Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

"I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."” - Bobby Henderson (pasta be upon him)

“I have seen the light. I am converted. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is my one true creator.” - Lon S. Cohen, from Cohenside.blogspot.com

“Flying what?” - Xen, from SciFryGuys.com



If you haven’t heard of the Flying Spaghetti Monster then you’ve probably got better things to do than follow the great debate between those people who believe the universe was created 5,000 years ago because a book tells them so and those who use facts and observations to decipher the mysteries of the universe. In the I.D. verses Evolution debate there arose a third and much more whimsical and logical alternative: the great Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Below I have listed a few highlights of this religion directly from the FSM page at Uncyclopedia.

Pastafarian Quotes of Wisdom

"It is easier for lasagna to pass through the holes of a colander than it is for a rich person to enter Paradise." - Ishmali Canuwundra.

His Names

Although the Flying Spaghetti Monster does in fact have a name, it is so beautiful and so difficult to pronouce by humans that it not only kills whoever attempts to utter it, but also everyone within a 3.7614 mile (6.0534 kilometer) radius - this radius is doubled when one attempts to write or type His name. This was done purposely by the Flying Spaghetti Monster to amuse Him.

WWFSMD

Flying Spaghetti Monsterism operates on several core principles, most of which can be summed up by the ever-present abbreviation, WWFSMD? (What Would Flying Spaghetti Monster Do?)

This conduct code centers around the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its parts.

Meatitude

Represents power and strength. In order to please the Flying Spaghetti Monster, men must spread their meaty good-ness about the land.

Sauceredness

Represents richness, both in color and wit. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is pleased by highly oxygenated blood. This not only allows His followers to be of sharp mind, but also of sharp hue.

Noodlyness

Represents flexibility and energy. In order to please the Flying Spaghetti Monster, members must be quick-witted and enthusiastic about spreading the word about Him, often to the point of contortionism to convert non-believers.

Piracy & Smuggling

Represents ARRRRRRRRRRRR. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is pleased by displays of piracy and smuggling. Dressing appropriately shows respect and loyalty.
His Monsterness also encourages scurvy, to a small degree, amongst his followers. If a follower is capable of such control and sacrifice (not to be confused with saucrifice) demonstrated by maintaining a c-free lifestyle, it really shows dedication to His Noodleness.

Dress. The Flying Spaghetti Monsterism community is divided into two parts by this issue: the Piratians, and the Ninjaists.

Piratian

Blackbeard, an inspiration for all Pastafarians, and somewhat idolised by Piratians. In the 18th century, pirates were in large numbers, and climate change was under control.

“Alas! How I wish I were a pirate! To be at sea, to wear regalia, to have a cutlass, to reduce global warming. Oh what a wonderful life!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

Generally, Piratians are traditionalist worshippers, most notably the First Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

While the Flying Spaghetti Monster is somewhat tolerant of most dress, He shows a distinct preference to full pirate regalia. Hooks are definitely a plus. Being touched by His noodly, but small, appendage is guaranteed with a parrot on ones shoulder.

Within the Orthodox Monsterist Church one must at all times have on-hand at least one of the sacred garments of the Pirate, although members need not wear said garb, they must have it ready should the Flying Spaghetti Monster call upon them to fulfill His divine will.

When passing on the lore of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is imperative to abide by this dress code, lest he unleash the terrors of George Bush upon this Earth. To appease him, a saucrifice must be performed by saucrificing a virgin tomato.

Ninjaists

“The Ninjas be a ghostly lot.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

The Reformed Church of Alfredo, alongside several other rebel sects wisely believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster favours sleek black Ninja clothes over the more widely-accepted Piratian view. Representing a medium, members of congregation Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God are comfortable in floppy pirate boots, tricorn hat, black ninja gi with 2 swords on the back, and a nighthawk on the shoulder; a look, Oscar Wilde says, is "Yummy !"

Moominists

“Hear ye, hear ye! Fractions are a sign of greatness. Well, parts of greatness”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

The Moominist Church of His Spaghettiness has brought up the controversial idea that the Flying Spaghetti Monster actually favours moomins to pirates. More striking, however, is that the Moominist Church denies 7/9ths of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, choosing to only worship the noodles of His Noodliness. Protesters at Moominist gatherings hold up signs that read Where's the other 7/9ths of God? and It's 9/9ths or God Owes Us a Refund!.

Arch Deacon Pony: "Moominists are quick to point out that in fact nowhere in 'FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER' does it mention sauce, or meat and that others have been duped into worshipping a false Flying Spaghetti BOLOGNESE Monster."

To find out more please visit the FSM homepage.

If you want to find out the origination of the FSM religion check Wikipedia.

L.S.C.

2 comments:

The Phoenix said...

I'm a hardcore Ninjaist.

ObilonKenobi said...

Pirate.